The Day of the Double Agent
First things first, a few annoucements:
1) I was recently interviewed on the awesome Hollywood Fishbowl podcast! You can listen to a bite-sized 5 minute clip here or the full thing here. Jesse Koester, the podcast host, is an incredibly talented podcaster and asks insightful and thought-provoking questions. It’s worth a listen (and be sure to check out his other interviews!)
2) My music is now on Pandora which, despite me not being a fan of their less-than-ideal payouts to artists, is exciting because they don't accept everyone's music and it opens me up to a new audience. However, if you want to support my music and, more importantly, a lot of other artists' great music, I recommend signing up at www.standingoproject.com.
3) I've teamed up with the AWESOME Medicine Show Music in the UK for some promo over there...so if you or anyone you know are over there, spread the word!
And now….onto a story….
Today is my birthday.
According to the Secret Languages of Birthdays, my day is called The Day of the Double Agent. I’m assuming it’s so named because I share my birthday with the likes of Mata Hari. The main characteristic of people born on these days is that they are fascinated by mysteries and often have a secret life that few are privy to. These are the folks you’re likely to be married to for 20 years and when they meet an untimely death, you realize they have another family on the side, or 3 billion dollars in an offshore account, or have been working for the FBI hunting aliens in secret for the last 30 years (side note: David Duchovny was also born on August 7 ;)).
While I don’t have secrets so grand as this, I am not surprised that I am affiliated with this day. Throughout my life I have represented different things to different people. I have conveyed purity and kindness and love and, in darker moments, quite the opposite. I have been traditional and a rebel, a reserved introvert and a bombastic extrovert, clumsy and graceful, childlike and an old soul, a rational mind and someone who is convinced she’s psychic after three drinks, a warm vulnerable woman and a cold, emotionally detached one. For those of you who doubt I have been any of these things, then you have not known me at all my moments. Just as I don’t know you at all of yours. That said, more often than not, I would like to know more of your moments. It’s the other part of me that likes to know other’s secrets.
To quote myself from the podcast (because it happened to be one of those rare moments of to-the-core truth that seems to come from somewhere beyond yourself):
“I want to give love to people. I do love people. Humans are so wonderfully flawed and contradictory and there’s a beauty in that. There’s beauty in the destruction and creation. I have a love for it because I have a fascination for it.”
For a long time, I considered myself a relatively fractured individual, an unreliable narrator in my own life. But I’ve been thinking lately, and I think I may just be human. This year, my goal is to become more cohesive through letting folks see the cracks and imperfections that I have worked hard to hide over the years. They come through anyways, unwittingly, and I have long felt a deep sense of shame at their exposure. I think, though, if I can love all of you for your imperfections, then maybe I can be loved for my imperfections as well, and even grow to love myself for them. I invite you to join me in this endeavor.
If it’s any comfort, I think those things you are ashamed of, can change. I think this is the beautiful thing about the fluidity of human nature. In my life, I have also been a bad student and a good student, a terrible writer and someone who’s received praise for my words, an off-key, one chord and talentless musician and someone who touched people deeply with her music. I think we must accept our flaws, hold them in our palms and look them dead in the eye and say ‘I see you’. There is no other way to move forward then to see and let yourself be seen.
Now I’m off to celebrate. Doing what? Who knows. Hey, a gal has to have her secrets….and her contradictions ;)
Love from one human to another,
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